My son is a gamer.
The sort who wears brightly colored headphones that match his blue-and-black patterned desk chair. The kind whose computer keyboard flashes colorful lights. Whose mouse does the same. He has a “gamer tag” light with his gamer name etched on it, which can change its LED colors. He could spend all day, every day in front of his computer playing and be perfectly happy.
You know the type. And chances are, unless you are the type, you then judge the type.
We roll our eyes. We sigh. We grumble. We growl. We mutter about bad habits and bad lessons and how socially awkward they’re likely to be, how they’re wasting their time and ruining their eyesight and compromising their moral structure and rotting their brains.
I’ve probably done or thought all those at some point. Then…my perspective changed.
In The Four Loves, C. S. Lewis observes that humanity is incapable of noting a difference without making a judgment. Comparison, by our very nature, turns into preference, and preference soon takes on moral implications in our mind.
Which is to say, if you note that this shirt is red and that one is blue, the next step is to decide which you prefer. And once you decide you prefer red, soon you’re claiming it’s because the red is simply superior. And if red is superior, that means blue is inferior. Which means it’s bad. (Which is a moral judgment.) We then start looking down our noses at anyone who chose the blue shirt instead. We start looking for reasons to dismiss them. To judge their other stances. To decide they are Wrong because we are Right.
Okay, so that’s a super-simplified example, but it illustrates the point. This is a well documented quirk of the human, tribal mind. There’s no point in arguing with it or saying we don’t do that—we do. We simply do. It’s fact.
But once we understand it, once we accept that the human condition does mean making decisions emotionally and then justifying them with logic after the fact—another very well documented quirk of being a person—then we can start to understand ourselves, and our reactions, a little better.
When it comes to my gamer son, I can tell you the exact moment my perspective began to change: when Someone Else judged him.
This was years ago at this point. My son was already pretty obsessed with Minecraft. I indulged it to an extent, and I complained about it after that extent. He’d show me what he built, and I’d say what a great job he did and then mutter under my breath that if he spent half that amount of effort on his school work, he’d be two years ahead. He’d watch YouTube and I’d tell him he should be reading a book or playing outside instead.
Then one day, someone else dared to say the same thing about my son. They said he was wasting his time. Rotting his brain. How she just wished he would get away from that stupid screen, and how he’d regret spending his childhood there someday.
Cue all the Mama Bear instincts. First came the lashing out in my mind: Do you really think watching YouTube is any worse than all the horrible shows you watch on TV all day long? Is his playing games any worse than how you spend YOUR day? What a hypocrite!
Aloud, I reigned myself in and gave some less emotional arguments (though totally fueled from that immediate gut reaction): “Actually, he spends his days building—just like he used to do with Lego, only they don’t break apart if you shift wrong. He’s learning about computers, which is crucial in this day and age. Playing with others online has forced him to learn how to spell and read quickly and efficiently. He often recreates historical landmarks in Minecraft with nothing but a single picture of a thing. You should see his Arc de Triumph! And half of what he watches on YouTube are educational videos. He watches science experiments. Stuff about physics and animals. Every time we open our science book in school, he already knows everything because of the videos he has CHOSEN to watch. On YouTube, you can pick what you see from a virtually endless library, unlike traditional television.”
Did I convince his critic? Probably not. But I convinced me.
And ever since then, I’ve been seeing him and his gaming from a very different perspective. And I’ve learned a lot of life lessons…some taken from the gaming itself, and a whole lot about how our perspectives inform our judgments, and how dangerous that can be.
What do you do for fun? What hobbies can you pursue for endless hours when you have the hours to spare?
For me, as a kid it was reading and playing make believe with my friends. As someone who now supports her family writing novels, I can say, “This was a great thing!” To other people, it might not look that way.
I remember reading L. M. Montgomery’s Emily Series as a kid and being horrified at how Emily’s aunt viewed reading and writing fiction as morally dubious and a waste of time. What?? I cried inside. How can she be so shortsighted and cruel?? I knew that fiction reading was the Best Thing Ever. I knew it because that was what I loved.
In the years since, I’ve learned enough that I could give you Real Reasons—like the fact that reading fiction is scientifically proven to increase empathy and sympathy in the reader, and that following the thread of a novel requires so much cognitive function that it’s one of the top recommendations for maintaining good brain health as we age and fending off dementia. FICTION IS AWESOME!
But detractors will always say otherwise—because they don’t like it. They’ll say it’s a waste of time. That it’s filled with lies. That we could be reading better things. Or better still, be outside. Be in nature. Be talking to people. They might claim that reading is by nature solitary and prohibits good interaction, that we’re not building relationships with the people around us if our noses are stuck in books. That we let our health suffer through lack of activity. That we ruin our eyes.
Those are all arguments I’ve heard. I dismiss them, because I love reading. But you know what? Their points are all valid. It’s just that I’ve decided that those things aren’t what matter to me.
Criticizing gamers or “computer geeks” is easy too, and Hollywood has helped us out with that. We have an image of 40-year-olds still living in their mothers’ basements, a dark cave with only the glow of their nine monitors lighting their sickly, pale face. Discarded chip bags and empty pizza boxes around them. Okay, sure, maybe those people end up hacking a key system for the action hero and helping to save the day, but no one wants to be them. Ew.
We can say it kills their eyes, it rots their brain, it teaches them or at least desensitizes them to violence, it hinders relationship building, negatively impacts health, and so on.
The thing is…the science doesn’t actually bear that out. Sure, backlit screens can be hard on your eyes…but so is reading. Sure, there’s plenty of mindless entertainment and even questionable content on YouTube…but there’s plenty of that on television too, and in their friends’ houses, and in everything else we come across—because there’s plenty of it in our own minds. Violence? Anyone who’s read the Old Testament or classic literature can tell you that humanity has been teaching and desensitizing itself to violence since the dawn of time. We are a violent race. We always will be. That doesn’t mean we should glory in it or approve it…but we do. Those violent games? They’re used in military training. And we call those who do it in real life heroes.
Interestingly, recent studies also show that online gaming promotes relationship building, even when they’re not talking to each other. Making decisions with other gamers creates neural pathways in the brain that exactly match playground play. When they’re interacting vocally as well, that only grows. Kids who play games with other kids build friendships—doesn’t matter if that’s in a park or on a server. They learn how to problem solve, they learn conflict resolution, they learn how to work together.
And here’s something I’ve learned just watching my son. He’s passionate about what he creates in those imaginary worlds, in the same way that I’m passionate about what I write in my own. He’ll spend hours, days, weeks crafting one building, brick by brick. He builds castles and cathedrals and libraries. He builds ships and airplanes and houses. Brick by brick. He crafts landscapes and cities and worlds and universes and multiverses. Brick by brick.
You know what that is? Dedication. Perseverance. Passion. The same things that make a successful businessman, a successful professional, a successful writer, a successful creative. We don’t apply that dedication to everything. But we apply it to what fascinates us. What we love. And we chase that into our own futures. My son does the same thing. He chases what he loves until he knows it inside out, until he can build it from the ground up, until he can solve problems and rewrite solutions and innovate.
That’s going to serve him well someday. Just as my habit of daydreaming and storytelling and reading has served me.
Here’s the thing—we’re all different. From our families, from our friends, and certainly from other generations. The pastimes you grew up with likely won’t appeal to kids today. And what they grew up with won’t appeal to their own in the future. This is just life in our ever-changing world. And that’s good. That means each generation will adapt and grow from the foundation we’ve built already. That means progress will continue. Understanding will deepen. New things will be discovered and developed. It means medicine, science, literature, leisure, and art will continue to progress at lightning speed as it has for the past couple hundred years.
Maybe, instead of immediately judging the “other” as “bad,” we should instead stop and wonder…what can we learn from them? And how are they more like us than we might first think?
For me, it started from an instinct to defend the boy I love. But from that, it’s grown to a new understanding, a new appreciation…and an excitement to see where this passion and dedication takes him in life, and how I can apply the same lessons to my own.
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Roseanna M. White is a bestselling, Christy Award winning author who has long claimed that words are the air she breathes. When not writing fiction, she’s homeschooling her two kids, editing, designing book covers, and pretending her house will clean itself. Roseanna is the author of a slew of historical novels that span several continents and thousands of years. Spies and war and mayhem always seem to find their way into her books…to offset her real life, which is blessedly ordinary.
I’m an early-20’s man who found your website a few minutes ago when I googled the word “kaput.” I’m really impressed by your blog and find the entire idea adorable (in a non-patronizing way) — most of the internet is so sterile and impersonal now, with a few social media sites being the nexus of content delivery. Thank you for maintaining a site like this 😅
I’ve spent most of my life on devices. It was PlayStation as a young kid, but when I was 9 it became browsing the internet on my computer. Most of my social life has been online, and I’ve even learned programming as a skill just by messing around with making games and other fun projects. So why would I do this over baseball, or camping, or building forts in the woods with my dad, or doing chores with my mom, or just generally finding other things to do outside devices?
The answer seems clear if I think about it with an outside perspective: the devices were more interactive and more stimulating than my surroundings. That seems like an obvious conclusion, but if I extend that word “interactive” to my family, it reveals an uncomfortable truth that yes, I preferred spending time with my PlayStation over spending time with my family because the PlayStation out-competed whatever my family was doing (or more precisely, what they were *not* doing). It certainly doesn’t reflect well on anyone’s parents that their children would prefer playing with devices over enjoying the company of mom and dad, but it is a sobering reality within many families. Going out into the woods with my brothers and my dad was a rare occasion, and doing anything with mom was a borderline never.
Understand that as a parent, you are no more immune from distractions than your children are. While I was spending 6 hours a day in my Minecraft world and another 6 watching YouTube, my dad was watching football or Fox News. My mom was working a job that she didn’t need to.
When they would ask me why I spent so much time on the computer, it was usually without curiosity but rather annoyed, disconnected hostility. Understandably they felt left out by all of my attention being given to a computer. However, I did not have the lucid understanding at the time that I do now typing this all out, so I would respond as reflexively and disconnected as them, just trying to get them to go away so I could get back to what I was doing. Understandably for me, I felt left out *too,* and not listened to, because:
1. it felt hypocritical to me that *they* used distractions and didn’t get chastised for it,
2. there was no desire to understand why I liked my devices so much, what was so interesting about them,
3. they had expectations of me which were never explained to or understood by me (academic or otherwise).
I hope that coming from the perspective of a “gamer son,” you can understand why we chose to immerse ourselves in the world we did. And like you said, it’s not ALL bad — I’ve actually picked up some highly technical skills and made a lot of money. I have also met some of the closest friends I’ve ever had, including a woman I hope to start a family with very soon. And if it wasn’t for the internet, I would not have stumbled upon the resources (self-help and otherwise) that have allowed me to view my upbringing with the necessary sober, transparent understanding of what was done right and wrong, which is how I know what to change and improve upon when I have a family of my own.
To that last point, the internet has actually unlocked my moral character rather than inhibit it. However, I would still constrain that to say I’m a rare case too. I don’t cherish all the time of my technological childhood, or even most of it. It definitely has been the spawn of many bad habits and wasted time. But I wouldn’t go back in time to change any of it because I am happy about where I am now, and excited for the future.
This doesn’t cover everything I’d like to say about what it’s like being raised on devices and the internet, and all of its advantages and disadvantages, but I think it’s most relevant to what you’ve posted here.
Hi, Grant! I’m still chuckling over you making your way to this post from “kaput.” 😉 And I so appreciate your perspective! I know there are always going to be things we do wrong as parents, and as kids too. But as you said, it’s more a matter of what we glean from it and where we end up than the particular forms of distraction and media choose. There will always be SOMETHING we “waste” time on, and frequently that same something ends up becoming important to us and even the something that makes us money. Wishing you and your special someone all good things as you embark on the next stage of life’s journey!
I should also mention that this circumstance you describe in the main post is a trend among most my age. If it isn’t videogames, then it’s “content apps.” All the young people are being led around by computer algorithms on TikTok, Twitter, Reddit, YouTube, or other content delivery platforms. These algorithms are designed to show the viewer the most stimulating content, tailored to his/her interests using countless hours of input and attention from both the app developer and the end-user. At least with videogames, a person’s attention span is focused on even short-term objectives, contrasted with TikTok where a viewer is just being endlessly *fed* short, highly stimulating video content. I guess it’s funny the apps call us “users,” not unlike what you’d call someone struggling with a drug addiction.
My son began gaming at an early age. My husband and I supported his love for it from the beginning, with age appropriate boundaries for levels of content (for the most part). I have always loved it to an extent, having played the original Mario and Zelda games with my sister on the floor of my parents bedroom where the extra TV was. I have downloaded, and printed, multiple walkthroughs over the years and sat by my son as we worked our way through hard games together! I’ve also had stretches playing WOW for too many hours! Those days are mostly over for me, but
fast forward to just a few years ago and my son was pursuing e-sports professionally, landing a spot on a semi-pro Overwatch team and ranking in the top 500 players in the world (ahead of millions of players) while working in his dream job for a video game studio where he still works today. He is living out what he loves to do and I couldn’t be prouder!
Thank you so much for writing this! I wish I could tell you how much it meant to read this !!!
Excellent observations ! All so true!
Thanks for the inspiration.
Regarding what you said about violence in games, I was in Florence some years ago, and what struck me about a lot of the famous sculptures there was the violence – enemies being clubbed, stabbed, or beheaded, women being abducted. So it seems rather a double standard to say it’s ok if it’s by a famous artist, but it’s not ok in games.
As a gamer mom with a gamer son and a gamer daughter and… A gamer husband (🤣), we have talked an awful lot about story in games, and immersive games (my son online with friends) and creative building games (I kill goulish beasts and create homes in post nuclear America 🤣 and animal crossing)… I appreciate this post very much!
Gaming has been therapy for me. Has been a creative outlet for my daughter (Sims) . Has been instrumental in discovering my son can type and spell incredibly well on a keyboard where writing with a pencil is nearly impossible for him (dysgraphia and dyslexia). He’s also met incredibly kind people (and some not so kind occasionally ) that he’s learned to interact with and handle lots of different social situations with more grace than most non gaming adults I see on Facebook.
He loves history and story as well!
Anyway… He also spend a good amount of time crafting and creating with 3D printers and huge Lego sets (this will always be his happy place) and all of these things together have created a way for him to work out his ADHD and the anxiety and depression that comes along with those letters. And that’s a gift!
I love this, April!! Rowyn HATES writing with a pencil too, but he can type fabulously. Part of me wants to push him on the handwriting, and part of me is like, “How often will this really come up in his lifetime??” Mostly, I’m just so grateful for all the opportunities tech presents, especially for things like you point out.
So, so true. We have ALWAYS been a violent species! I mean, read the Iliad, LOL. That was popular culture too. Nothing new here at all.
This is an amazing perspective about gamers and life. My son is a hard core gamer also. His love of gaming also inspired his love of music. He is graduating in a few days and plans to major in music. He would love to ultimately compose music for video games. He has also been criticized by others about his gaming and youtube use, but like your son is using it for educational purposes. He has shown me things I would have never imagined. Our generation and others can not comprehend the amazing things that or kid’s generation has at their fingertips.
Right?? I think it’s human nature to question something new and resist that change as we get older…but as with all things, there is SO MUCH GOOD!
THANK YOU!!! My son is a gamer, too, and he actually plans to go into game design professionally. But the thing that has stood out the most is those relationships you mentioned. He is very isolated in the small town where we live, partly because of the fact that we “ain’t from ’round here” but also due to other social dynamics at play. But in his online gaming world, he’s found such an awesome community. He’s introduced us to some of his friends, even creating a Discord server where we can chat with them. And, they have had some amazing and DEEP spiritual conversations over the years. He’s now 16, but this started years ago. Nothing like having your middle schooler come in and ask for advice on how to communicate spiritual truths that many of your adult life-long church members won’t even touch.
We’ve learned so much from our gamer son. There’s a lot I don’t understand, and we have had some issues with it over the years, as happens with all growing pains. Additionally, he does admit to the loneliness of not having face-to-face friends who get him like his gamer friends do. But, overall this gaming world has been both a lifeline and an incredible opportunity for him. It’s been a mental adjustment for me, but I’ve learned to be thankful. And reading your article encouraged me so much, just knowing there’s at least one other mom who feels the same.
Oh, I LOVE hearing this! Yes, yes, yes. We homeschool, so my kids don’t see friends every day–but the online communities have been a lifeline, for sure. He actually plays with 3-5 other boys from our general area, so once in a while they get together in person too and do things like paintball or Nerf wars or (of course) video games in person, LOL. I love how tight-knit a group they’ve become!