Thoughtful Thursdays - Roseanna M. White

I Have a Confession

by Roseanna | Sep 5, 2024 | Thoughtful Thursdays

“I have a confession.”

When we see words like that today, what do we do? Do you sit forward a little? Straighten your spine? Click to see who is confessing to what? And what do we expect to find? Often, something silly, right? Something tongue-in-cheek. When you saw my title here, you might have thought I was going to confess something bookish, something funny, something silly.

What would you do if I actually confessed my sins? The dark thoughts? The selfishness? The times I judge? The failures to keep Christ first in my life? What would you do if I confessed my disrespect and my dishonesty and my disregard for what should be kept primary? Well, maybe you wouldn’t be too surprised–I do tend to talk about vulnerable things here, LOL. But in general, we don’t expect those kinds of confessions today, do we?

Something I’ve noticed–and I’m not the only one–in the modern church is that sins only tend to be talked about when they have been overcome and defeated and become a testimony to strength. We don’t see people getting up in front of the church very often and confessing to a current struggle…which means that too often, we have to struggle alone. Pride and individualism have snuck their way in, and the very thought of admitting our weaknesses and failures out loud to another human being is enough to make our “must be perfect” society cringe.

So we say, “I’ll confess it to God. That’s all I have to do. Christ is my only mediator.” And He is, yes…but James 5:16 doesn’t say “confess your sins to God.” It says “confess your sins to one another.”

Why?

Sit with that question a minute. Seriously. Ponder why we’re told to confess to each other, not just silently to God. What is the purpose?

Is it to embarrass us?
Of course not.

Is it to shame us?
No.

Is it to drive a wedge between us and those around us, who will now be judging us?
On the contrary.

It’s the exact opposite of that. The purpose of confessing to each other is to unify us as a whole, not as individuals. It’s to strengthen the church by making the members one. When we know each other’s problems, we are to pray for each other, strengthen each other, work for each other.

I will admit that when we were contemplating joining the Catholic church, the idea of confession was a hurdle for me. And even now, several years in, it isn’t easy. But one of our very first weeks sitting in our new church, this penitential act was spoken, and it struck me and helped me reframe it.

“I confess to almighty God,
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have greatly sinned
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done, and in what I have
failed to do;
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault;
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sister,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.”

Look at those words. Said aloud, together, these words don’t get into specifics of how each of us have sinned–but it’s admitting that we have. We’ve thought sinful things. We’ve said them. We’ve done them. We’ve failed to do good. And it’s our fault. We can’t cast the blame onto anyone else. We did it. Each of us. And that bears repeating.

My fault. My fault. My fault. We sometimes have to say it multiple times for that to really sink in. And in fact, when we say this prayer, we make a fist and press it to our heart with each utterance of fault. It’s meant to strike us right in the heart. It should. Because we all sin, even when we’re saved. We still think and say and do things we shouldn’t. We still fail to think and say and do things we should.

So…what do we do about it?

The first step is the second part of that prayer. We ask for help. Of God, yes, but not just of God. He did not come ONLY to establish individual relationships with us–He came to BUILD A CHURCH. A community of faith. So we ask each other for help. We ask those who have come before and who have achieved final victory to pray for us (I know this is unique to the Catholic and other Orthodox faith, but that’s all “praying to the saint” means–asking them to pray for us), and we ask EACH OTHER, the people around us now, to pray for us.

Whenever we pray this together, I make it a point to look at the people around me for this part. To see them. To realize that though I don’t know the particular sins they’re struggling with, I know they’re struggling with something, because we all are. And I lift them up before our God. I pray for them, as I trust they are truly praying for me.

And it’s a beautiful thing. Because while I have no trouble asking people to pray for my health or my job or my family…I have a harder time asking for them to pray that I become less judgmental. Or that I resist the temptation to think about things I shouldn’t. Or…fill in the blank. It’s hard to ask for help in our sins. Easier to ask in our misfortunes.

So what about those specific, named sins? There’s no place in that prayer recited in church for each person to shout out his or her sins (no complaints here, LOL). But that doesn’t mean that we don’t need to talk to someone about them. To unburden our hearts and be assured that we’re forgiven. To know someone is praying specifically.

And that’s why there has ALWAYS been confession in the church–because we need it. Did you know that C. S. Lewis even found a local vicar to hear his confession? It’s not part of the Anglican ritual, but he recognized the need, because it’s real. We need to be able to confess our sins to someone trusted. We need to hear them say, “Jesus loves you so much, and He is so glad that you long to be closer to Him. He forgives you and welcomes you.”

So do you want to hear my confession about going to confession? It’s something I always put off doing. Something I go to each time totally uncertain about what I’ll say. I mean, I haven’t committed murder or adultery or theft or any of the other Biggies. So I have to sit for a while in the quiet of the church and pray that the Holy Spirit will help me see my own soul with His clarity. To uncover the things that displease Him, that keep me from being fully aligned with His will.

And each time, I see. I see that I am too focused on the world and not enough on Him. I see that I am distracted, that I have failed to pray for those I should. I see where I’ve strayed from His perfect path. And then I go in and sit with one of my priests, and I say the words…and something amazing happens. This unemotional, stoic woman who rarely cries starts crying. This word-smith runs out of words. This proud person crumbles.

Then comes the moment of immeasurable beauty. One of my priests smiles and reminds me of how much Jesus loves me. Of how pleased He is that I’m there, humbling myself before Him. He encourages me to pray in specific ways, ways designed specifically for me, to draw me closer to Him and to my fellow-believers.

I walk out of that room lighter, each and every time. I walk out surrounded by the knowledge of His love, like a physical embrace. I walk out made new. Made stronger because I confessed to my weakness. Stronger through Him, not through me. And I also walk out feeling more a part of His Church, this faith community. Because the priest doesn’t just offer us Christ’s forgiveness, they offer the Church’s as well. They forgive us on behalf of each other, binding us together.

I readily confess that I was one of those Protestants that “had a problem with confession.” I readily confess that I still find it difficult. But you know what? I also confess that it has proven one of the sweetest gifts of my life. Confession truly is good for the soul…at least when it’s done for the right reasons. Not only to unburden ourselves, but to cleanse us of our sins. Not only to strengthen each of us individually, but to strengthen His Church.

Pray for me, friends. And I will pray for you. And together, we’ll walk in the strength of Christ.

Chemo Is DONE!

by Roseanna | Aug 29, 2024 | Thoughtful Thursdays

I am SO happy to report that on Monday, I received my LAST chemo infusion!

Cue the confetti!!!

I got to ring the bell, and afterward, we went to Cheddar’s Scratch Kitchen and celebrated with cheese fries and a giant slab of chocolate cake (over half of which we totally brought home, even with two of us eating on it. That slice was enormous!)

Of course, “finished” is a relative term when it comes to this sort of thing in a breast cancer journey, I’m learning. Depending on my surgery date, I may in fact need one more abbreviated round (only one chemo drug, and not the one that makes people sick) just to make sure everything stays shrunken before surgery. They have that on the calendar for Oct 7, but as of when I’m writing this, I don’t actually have my surgery date; it could be Oct 4, in which case this round would be cancelled.

So what’s coming next? Well, as I just mentioned, surgery is next up on the docket in early October. A lumpectomy is off the table for me due to the size of the tumor versus my size…it doesn’t leave me enough breast tissue. So mastectomy was a definite, and the choice I had to make was single or double. Due to my young age and the fact that I’ve already proven myself prone to breast cancer despite negative genetic testing, my chances of getting breast cancer in the other breast at some point in the future is quite high. If, however, I have it removed now, that chance drops by 90%. I am not interested in going through this again if I can help it, so I’ve opted for the double mastectomy, which is what they recommend for someone my age.

The next decision to be made then was what to do for reconstruction. The choices are between silicone and free tissue, which is when they basically give you a tummy tuck and use that tissue and skin to rebuild the breast. In some ways that’s the best option, but as my team put it, the chances of the skin being damaged in radiation is high, and if we’ve already used that skin from my stomach, there’s nothing to fix it with. If however, the skin is damaged and we’ve done silicone, we can still use that tummy/thigh skin to fix it. So they recommended starting with silicone and having the free tissue as a backup, which is what I was leaning toward as well and what I’ve decided on after much thought and prayer.

I still need to decide, then, where I want to do radiation, which will begin around 4 weeks post-surgery. I definitely did not want to do my chemo and main treatments in my hometown, but my oncologist on Monday said he wouldn’t hesitate to go to Cumberland for radiation–the treatments are standardized, and he knows and trusts the radiation oncologists there. He said he wouldn’t have recommended general oncology there–they don’t specialize, which means the same doctors are working with all kinds of cancer, and they have twice as many patients each as they do in Morgantown. As he put it, when you’re dealing with that many patients with that many cancers, there’s just no way to keep up with the details of each one. By focusing solely on breast cancer, my team in Morgantown can stay on top of all the developments in treatment, and they’ve found that making very small adjustments can make a big difference. As he explained it to me, radiation is very different. The plans are standardized, and they would come up with said plan in Morgantown and then Cumberland could just carry it out, and there’s little room for user error. And since it’s 5 days a week for a month, saving myself 3 hours of driving a day has definite benefits! I’ll continue to pray about it, for sure.

And even after radiation, I won’t be done. I will still have 11-14 more infusions of anti-HER2-protein meds, given every three weeks, back in Morgantown. Sometimes these can start during radiation, sometimes the radiation oncologist will advise waiting until radiation is complete. Sometimes they may involve the same chemo that I may get before surgery for 3 rounds or so, if they weren’t totally confident that all cancer had been obliterated by surgery, but if we see complete response beforehand, it won’t be necessary to tack that one on. Either way, I should be through the worst of the sickness here in the next few weeks, and the other side effects should start going away by surgery. Hair and nails should begin regrowing/repairing soon.

Have I mentioned the fingernail stuff? Before my 5th infusion, I began noticing my nail beds going wonky and pulling away from the nails, on some fingers more than others. I hadn’t been aware that this could happen to have looked up how to prevent it beforehand, but my oncologists, when I brought it up, did say that it’s pretty common and that I could lose some nails. They’re hanging on so far, and hopefully I won’t fully lose any at this point. I bought something called PolyBalm, which was developed in the UK–it’s a waxy/herbal product you apply directly to your nails twice a day. Their studies showed that of the people who used it the whole time during chemo, none experienced nail problems. The control group, however, did. Results are mixed when you start it after seeing issues, though plenty of patients had before and after shots showing it helped restore their nails. I got some, figuring it was worth a shot. I haven’t noticed them getting any worse since I started using it, so that’s a plus. And now I know what I’m going to send people when I hear they’ve been diagnosed with cancer!

I also met with PT on Infusion 5 day, and I’ve been doing exercises they gave me for leading-up-to-surgery. Because I have lymph node involvement and they will have to remove the nodes on my right side armpit, that means I’m at risk for lymphodema. The lymph nodes are the body’s drainage system, and removing them means fluids could stop draining properly in my arm. The exercises, and others I’ll be given for after surgery, are meant to help with that. I was also instructed to wear a ring on my right hand and pay attention to which notch my watch is buckled on–one of the first signs of lymphodema is swelling in the wrist and hand, and the ring and watch will help me know right away if that’s happening. If we catch it early, they can usually stop it without lasting effects; if you don’t catch it early, you can end up with mobility problems in your arm for the rest of your life. Not interested in that, thank you! So I will be paying close attention and doing my exercises religiously!

So as we can see here, chemo is done, but there is still quite a long road ahead of me; those anti-protein infusions will take up to 42 weeks to complete, which means I’ll have been in this whole process for more than a year before I’m officially “done.” Which in some ways is crazy to think about. When my sister had non-Hodgkins Lymphoma 8 years ago, it was serious. It was a dangerous cancer with incredibly intense chemo treatments–her infusions lasted a week each! She had to cart it around with her! But after her six rounds of super-chemo, she was done. No surgery, no radiation, no follow-up infusions. It’s funny to think that mine is the “easy” cancer by contrast, yet so much more involved and drawn out in the treatment process. Not that they can really even be compared, of course, but being most familiar with her treatment, I was quite surprised at how long mine would be.

But so, so happy to be finished this part of it! The rest shouldn’t make me sick, and I am SO ready to move out of the stage of constant nausea. Even though I haven’t had vomiting or diarrhea much since round 3, I have not had a single day since treatments began in May that I haven’t felt nauseous at some point in the day, even if it’s not all day. Three+ months of a rolling stomach is exhausting, and I am so ready to be out of this stage! I’m looking forward to celebrating the end of it with my writing retreat in Kansas City in September, and then going to my 20th reunion at our college Homecoming the last weekend in September. Those are two things that will be such fun before I move to surgery and recovery and then on to radiation! And of course, we have our December vacation to look forward to after surgery and radiation. Very excited for that!

My overall energy levels are already improving too, though these last few weeks my legs have felt so tight and tired whenever I walk. My labs on Monday showed my protein and iron levels were a little low, so maybe that has something to do with it. Clearly I need a nice steak. 😉 But at any rate, I’m already so much better than I was, and I am so looking forward to reclaiming health and getting my body back in shape! (Eating helps with the nausea, which means I’ve been gaining instead of losing weight, which is not what I wanted to happen! But I figured “Get through this first. Worry with that ten pounds later.”)

So here we are! DONE with the nastiest bits and ready to move on!! Thank you all SO MUCH for traveling this journey with me! Your constant influx of prayers and support have brought me countless smiles and made it so that I have never, for one minute, felt alone. I appreciate you all so much!

42 Things

by Roseanna | Aug 14, 2024 | Holidays, Thoughtful Thursdays

If you’ve been hanging out here long with me, you’ll know that every year on my birthday, I’ve taken to writing a list of the corresponding number of “things” from the year I just completed that have really shaped me. Sometimes it’s silly products I discovered. Sometimes it’s things I love. Sometimes it’s things I hate. New habits. Discoveries. Achievements.

I’ll admit it. When I realized upon my husband’s birthday in June that mine was fast approaching, I had the thought of Maybe I’ll take a break this year. That list is a lot of work.

And then I thought, Are you kidding? This year, more than any year, I need to celebrate what has shaped me. Cancer isn’t going to steal that!

So without further ado, here are my 42 Things.

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1. Romantasies

Last summer I began writing my first fantasy romance, aka romantasy. I eventually settled on calling it Awakened, and though it took me an entire year to write it around the many other projects I had contracted, I finished it and turned it in to my editors at WhiteCrown in June! Which means it has a release date of next June, 2025. And I’m happy to report that it already has an audio contract too! 😉 And because I was writing this new genre, I’ve spent a LOT of my reading of the last year in the genre too. So. Much. Fun.

2. SJC Forever

Right after my birthday last year, we took Xoe to St. John’s College for her freshman year. This is the college David and I went to, too, so cue allllll the memories. It has been so much fun to visit the school, to participate in Parent’s Weekend, and just to talk to Xoe about the Program and the unique life of this particular college (The Great Books School) as she goes through it. She LOVES it there, and we love seeing her come into her own at the place that so shaped us!

3. 6 Books

Okay, y’all, I usually do “x-number of books published as of this year” count on here, but instead, THIS: I turned in SIX contracted books in 2023. As in, 6. That’s a lot of books. As of my birthday, only half of them are published, but the other three will be clustered in September-November. Just look at these babies!

4. Pensacola Beach Writing Retreat

In October, my best friend Stephanie Morrill turned 40. She and her husband decided they’d each celebrate their milestone years with fun trips, so he went hiking…and Stephanie voted for a week-long destination writing retreat with me. First, a big mwa-ha-ha-ha on me reaping the benefits of her birthday trip treat. 😉 Sweet deal! She decided she’d like to go to Pensacola Beach, where her family had visited a couple times over spring breaks with their Airstream. We went in October–the weather was still warm, the Gulf was gorgeous, those white sand beaches were fantastic and uncrowded, and the writing was amazing. This was our first FULL WEEK retreat, and we weren’t entirely sure how it would go. Usually our trips are five days, and by the end of them, we’re feeling pretty drained. So we decided we’d not push too hard.

I said that…then I really wanted to finish An Honorable Deception while I was there. And I did!! We had a wonderful week of hanging out, fellowship, writing, walks on the beach, yummy food, and lots of joking and laughing. We even got to see the Blue Angels and Fat Albert flying by, and caught a few glimpses of their practice!

5. Box of Bookish Things

I am one of those people who sometimes gets an idea and just leaps in. I mean, who needs to plot and plan? 😉 I did this with an idea I had for a subscription box not of books, but of bookish things. Things like book page cupcake wrappers, book-themed notebooks, bookish mugs, bookmarks…you get the idea. I launched the idea last autumn, and though I paused it this summer while I dealt with, ahem, number 17 on my list, I’m looking forward to starting it up again when energy permits. Because this has been SO MUCH FUN. I love discovering new items each month and sharing them with my subscribers! And, yes, I also love adding the items to my own collection when there’s one left over!

6. ChocZero Orange Marmalade

Time for a random product discovery. 😉 I have long been a fan of orange marmalade, which Xoe and I refer to as “sunshine in a jar.” I’ve made my own several times and *insert chef’s kiss here. Delicious! But also full of sugar, and I’ve been making a concerted effort to cut sugar from my diet. So when I saw that ChocZero had a sugar-free marmalade, I decided to give it a try. And y’all. This stuff is delightful. As in, I ordered half a dozen jars at a go. SO GOOD. And guilt-free. And it pairs fantastically with…

7. Einkorn Flour

I had never heard of Einkorn flour until one of my Facebook friends (and fellow historical author Kimberly Duffy) posted about it, but it caught my attention. So I looked it up and discovered that Einkorn is nature’s original wheat, what they would have eaten in biblical times. It has different gluten and protein structures than modern wheat (and even other ancient grains like spelt) that make it super easy to digest. Many people who are gluten sensitive can eat einkorn without any problem. I’m not gluten sensitive, but I am interested in grains that are easy on my digestive tract, full of flavor, and whose carbs are more easily broken down. So I ordered some of this flour, and oh my goodness. It’s SO delicious! I’ve entirely given up buying bread and now just make two loaves of this at a time and pop them in the freezer, getting out 4 slices at a time. Which basically means fresh bread daily, and it has so much more flavor than anything you can buy from the store!! We are 100% in love. (I’ve been using Jovial brand–a small family company that has become the largest grower of Einkorn. Check them out here!)

8. Wavy Hair

Last August, just after my birthday, I decided to experimentally stop arguing with that one section of hair that REFUSED to be straightened properly and instead see what would happen if I embraced it. I’ve worn my hair wavy before, but only when it was longer. I had no idea what might happen when it was above my shoulders. So I got out my curling gel and scrunched it when wet and let it air dry…and I loved the result! Though I had curls as a toddler, my hair is definitely not curly now…but it’s solidly wavy, and it felt beachy and summery and fun. I kept wearing it like that all through the last year!

9. Bye-Bye, Vega

In our family, we name our cars. I totally started it with my very first cars, reasoning that if people named their horses, why not our vehicles? They’re pretty important to us, right? My first car was Snowball, though we sold her pretty quickly and got Sparky instead. I named my husband’s Jeep Bartok, and the first car we bought together was Xander. Our Mazda is Zipporah–which our daughter named. So when we got her a car, she obviously had to name it. It was a silver Toyota Corolla (hard car to spot in a parking lot! There are SO MANY of them!), so she decided to embrace that silver-like-the-stars idea and named it Vega.

Well, poor Vega got smashed. In February, a horrible wind storm came through and knocked down eight different trees on our property, three of which did the domino-effect right onto the roof of Vega. They also took out our power lines and a pole. We had downed live wires, our driveway was completely blocked off…it was exciting. This of course happened in the middle of the night, but by morning, the power company had restored the electrical lines. Poor Vega, though, was totaled.

Xoe was at college when it happened, so we had to call her with the bad news. The funny thing is that nearly all her friends are city people, so when she told them “A tree fell on my car!” they were utterly confused as to how this happened. She had to explain that we live in the middle of a forest, LOL.

10. Hello, Antigone

So of course, we had to hunt for a new car for Xoe. This was a long process, which nearly drove my husband to obsessive-distraction. 😉 After much ado, we finally bought her an old Lexus in a beautiful deep metallic purple called “Black Garnet Pearl.” And I gotta say, after driving it a few times, I declared that I could totally be a Lexus person. Even a twenty-year-old one is just so comfy and smooth and luxurious.

Xoe, deep in her year of Ancient Greek Everything at St. John’s, decided that this lovely car would be named Antigone. And so she is. =)

11. ECPA Bestseller

Hilariously, the same day we bought this car for Xoe, I got news that A Noble Scheme had hit the ECPA Bestseller list for March. My best friend thought it totally hilarious that I hit the bestseller list and bought a Lexus on the same day. So glamorous! 😉 I’ve been on the list before, but not with a new release, so this was a nice surprise. I’ll admit I’d begun to think I would simply never get on the list with a new release–and have given myself many a pep talk about it, full of things like, “Your sales numbers are fine. The fact that they don’t all come in that one month is no big deal.” Which is true. But it was still fun to finally see my book there. =)

12. Kaizen Pasta

I love pasta. I also love how I feel when I’m not eating a ton of carbs. So I’m always on the lookout for alternatives…and I am often horrified by the ones I try (like anything with konjac. It’s absolutely, 100% disgusting in my opinion, LOL). I saw an add for Kaizen pasta and rice, which uses lupini beans as its foundation, so decided to give it a try. And I really like it! It doesn’t quite have the texture and bite of semolina pasta, but it’s very reminiscent of whole grain varieties, and works great in a dish that has other stuff in it too, like veggies and meat. I bought quite a few boxes of it!

13. Changing Publishers

One of the biggest things for me professionally in the last year happened between September and November. After Bethany House passed on a stand-alone novel I pitched to them, my agent submitted the proposal elsewhere. This was the first time in a decade I’ve had anything out on submission, and I’d forgotten how nerve-wracking it could be! But the circumstances required it, and conflicted as I was at the thought of leaving the publishing home I’d been at for a decade, whose team I absolutely adore, I knew this was part of God’s plan. Especially when, half an hour after submitting to Tyndale, we had a very eager response to start chatting. Within a week, I was on a Zoom call with an editor; within three weeks, my proposal had gone to committee. And while I was in Pensacola on my writing retreat, I got the good news that Tyndale not only wanted to buy that stand-alone I’d submitted, they wanted three World War 2 novels and two novellas from me.

My agent was pretty amazed that we pitched one book and sold five, LOL, but it was confirmation to me that this was the path the Lord had prepared for me, and I felt total peace as we accepted the offer. It was sad to give the news to my Bethany House team and know that the Imposters would be my last series with them for a while, but I have loved getting to know the team at Tyndale and have been made to feel so very welcome there! We’re deep in the editorial process for that book, and I am loving working with them. As for the book…

14. My First World War 2 Novel!

When I wrote Yesterday’s Tides, I delved for the first time into WW2, but only in half the book. Still, the research I did for it gave me lots of ideas for other books set in the 1940s. My favorite revolved around a library in Paris founded by exiled German writers in the 1930s–the writers whose books had been burned and banned in Nazi Germany. They founded The Library of Burned Books in 1933 (and a second followed shortly thereafter in New York)…and when the Nazis took Paris, the first thing the Parisian government did was hand over the keys to this library. It was “kept under lock and key” by the Nazis throughout the war, which I found so intriguing. Especially as I learned that nearly all of Paris’s libraries were dismantled during the war–valuable books were sent back to Germany, forbidden books were confiscated and burned or at least stamped with a V for Verboten (forbidden), and some libraries were completely destroyed. So why did they just guard this one? I wanted to explore that, so I paired a French heroine who had been using the books in a fledgling espionage network with a German professor forced into service by the Nazis and sent to Paris to do this work in the libraries–a professor with secrets he can never let the Nazis discover.

I had been calling this novel The Library of Burned Books, but because there are other books out there with similar titles, we’ve retitled it to The Collector of Burned Books. And I am so, so excited to share this story with you all!! While a new setting with a plot that completely stands alone, my dedicated readers will nevertheless see some familiar faces. (Georgie, anyone? Anyone? And did anyone wonder if perhaps Rem’s brother Sebastian didn’t die in that mud??) It will release from Tyndale in Summer 2025!

15. New Desk and Office…Sort Of

How to comfort myself when my firstborn baby goes off to college? Obviously by doing what parents have been doing for generations–taking over her room while she’s away. 😉 I have long wished for an office that wasn’t just the kitchen, and when Xoe went off to Annapolis, I moved to her room and its HUGE desk. Now, I didn’t take a lot back there, so that whenever she comes home for weekends or breaks, it’s a simple matter of clearing out of her way again. But I’ll admit I love being able to spread out and actually be able to fit my laptop and my Wacom tablet for design work and the mouse and my coffee cup on the desk all at the same time. (Especially useful since half the time the cat is also there, and she takes up literally a third of my small in-kitchen desk, LOL.)

I even rearranged the attached bookshelf to make it pretty for photos and videos. =)

16. TikTok

Speaking of videos…I joined TikTok in January! I’d been thinking for a while that I wanted to try it out, but my old phone had neither the memory for one more app nor a camera capable of good video. So I got a new one (Yay! No more memory errors every other day!) and took the plunge.

I will admit that I have not set the world on fire over there. 😉 And I totally let it slip after my diagnosis (see the next entry). But I’m learning the ropes, anyway, and enjoying it. If you’re on TikTok, you can find me @roseannamwhite (https://www.tiktok.com/@roseannamwhite)

17. Cancer

This is, of course, the biggest event of my year. In March, an incredibly painful lump popped up in my right breast. I went to the doctor, who suggested a mammo and ultrasound, though she thought it was most likely a cyst. The scan results showed something, but they weren’t sure what, so a biopsy was ordered. After a two-week delay in getting the results, they confirmed that it was breast cancer (by this time, it was mid April). Being the novelist that I am, I had already played out every possible plot twist as I awaited results, so when my doctor delivered the news, I wasn’t surprised (unlike my poor husband), and I didn’t feel unprepared or afraid. My thought was honestly, “Okay, God. This is the plot you’ve chosen for me. Let’s see where you take me with it and what you do with it.”

From there, everything happened so fast! I had appointments with a surgeon and oncologist within a week, scans left and right, and treatment began in early May. It was staged at 2/3 due to size and axilla node involvement, which meant chemo, then surgery and radiation. As of now, I’m still in the chemo, coming up on my final infusion (of 6). And though this isn’t the plot twist I would have chosen (I mean, for me–I’d totally subject a character to it, LOL), it has honestly been such an amazing experience in so many ways. The outpouring of encouragement and support has left me astounded and so, so grateful to be part of the family of God. I’ve only had a few passing moments of fear. And though there’s been plenty of feeling-sick and constant exhaustion, my heart and soul know only peace and assurance. I haven’t even had to cling to His hand–I just know I’m there, sheltered in his palm.

18. Wigs

My cancer is HER2 positive, hormone negative, which means I’m on TCHP chemotherapy. This type of treatment does not guarantee hair loss–only about 50% of women experience it, and for some, it’s not total. I held out hope…but alas. Two weeks after my first treatment, the hair started falling out, and within 48 hours, I’d lost about half of it. I decided that was enough (bald spots! NOPE!), and Xoe helped me shave the rest off. Which, of course, meant it was time to have fun with wigs! Because if I’m going to go through this, I am going to have fun with it. 😉 I ordered a long red one. A wavy purple one. A blonde one that I’d hoped would look like my natural hair (but which totally doesn’t). Friends sent a short blond one, and a short brown one.

I can honestly say that the red is my favorite–I can’t believe how well it suits my complexion! And it’s the most comfortable of them all. But the purple one is such fun! Which one is your favorite?

19. Scarves

But wigs aren’t that comfortable, so when at home or on days when I don’t feel like dealing with it, I do scarves or a little chemo cap with a fun flower. I had quite a scarf collection already, and I bought a pack of 16 solid colors, so I have something for every outfit.

20. Keto for Lent

This list is SO in random order, LOL. Backtracking to the new year…I decided that I wanted to keto for Lent this year, but I actually started it in mid-January, because I was so over-sugared after the holidays that I just couldn’t take it. 😉 It felt great to get back to low carbs for a while…though I was hoping it would also help my energy levels like it had before, and that was a disappointment. Of course, when I learned I had cancer, that explained the pervasive fatigue, so I didn’t hold it against keto. 😉 I did stop doing it after Easter, and with the diagnosis, I’m pretty much just eating what tastes good (chemo totally messes up your taste buds!), but I really like the discipline of it for Lent!

21. New Laptop ~ Clio

I hadn’t planned on needing a new laptop–the one I’d been using was only a year old. But it began to experience some serious bugs when I was running the Adobe Suite, making it clear that it wasn’t going to last long. The keyboard stopped working, and it kept shutting itself off when I was in the middle of work. So we decided to go back The Workhorse–a Lenovo ThinkPad. I know this machine will last me years, and it’s souped up enough to run my graphics-heavy design programs.

One thing I love about setting up a Windows computer these days is that it asks you to name it. Having already read my propensity to name cars, you shouldn’t be surprised that this makes me grin. But for some reason, I’d always just given generic names to my previous computers. Things like “red laptop” or “HP.” Not this time, though! I decided I would start naming my computers after the Muses. This new one has been dubbed Clio, one of the muses specializing in stories and the written word. =)

22. Melaleuca

Here’s the thing. I like using products, both for my home and body, that are wholesome and healthy and absent harsh chemicals. But I also don’t have a lot of brain space to give selecting these things, so I like it when I can find a company who I can simply trust to provide. I like it especially when the products are normal prices. So when a friend introduced me to Melaleuca, I breathed a sigh of relief. It’s a membership company, where you have to order a certain amount a month…but that’s fine, because I need those products, and I know I can trust the ones they provide. I’m very glad to have been introduced to them and have thus far loved everything I’ve tried!

23. Sprayed Edges

One of my goals for 2024 was to find new ways to take joy in books, and one of the ways I found to do it was to make the books in my library beautiful. Something I ADORE about the fantasy book world is all the special editions with fancy covers and (gasp) sprayed edges. SO PRETTY!! Of course, being me, I decided I’d like to learn how to do it rather than just spend money on those publisher-produced special editions. So I bought some clamps, some spray paint, a Cricut to cut out my stencils…and there we go! Painted edges! They may not be as intricate and artsy as some of the very talented people using airbrush and so on…but it’s made me happy, anyway!

24. Pacas

I admit it. I get sucked into Facebook ads all…the…time. And last autumn, I was totally enamored by an ad for socks I saw whose tagline was “softer than cashmere, warmer than wool.” I’ve knit with alpaca wool before and love it, so I was immediately all “Ooooo, me wanty!” over these socks. David wanted to get me a multi-pack from Pacas for Christmas, but they were out of the color scheme I wanted (purple–duh), so we just kept checking back. FINALLY in the spring, the purple pack was back, so we ordered them. I love them, guys. They’re thick and cushy but not TOO thick, so soft, and definitely warm. (Which, when one spends one’s day in front of an air conditioning vent in the kitchen, is important even in the spring and summer!) Highly recommend!

25. Protector

“This is the best book I’ve read in a long time. It’s…perfect.” I don’t say those words lightly, but I said them a few months ago after reading Protector by Megan Schaulis. This book is a dystopian Esther retelling and, friends, it hits ALL the notes. We’ve got a Hunger Games style competition, we’ve got royal themes, we’ve got a heroine with a unique relationship to God, we’ve got unlikely friendships and romance…it’s just GAH. So perfect! Go read it. Now. You’re welcome.

26. Reading Goals

In 2023, I had a very vague goal of wanting to read 50 books by the end of the year. I ended up with 54, 75% of which were in audio format. For 2024, I wanted to get back to reading more physical books (see the next one) and I wanted to set a more ambitious goal. So my 2024 reading goal is 100 books…and though I can’t yet report on it fully, so far I’m on track! I’m using an app called StoryGraph to help me track it.

27. The Art of Sitting Down

I don’t do well with idleness. I’m one of those people who likes to be doing something active, which is why audio books have been great for me. I’d listen while I do chores or exercise or drive. But I’d begun to notice something I didn’t like so much–that I couldn’t sit down and read. I felt like I had to pop up every fifteen minutes to do something.

Not cool, y’all. Not cool. Reading has always been one of My Things, so this new restlessness wasn’t something I wanted to ignore. I decided that I would retrain myself to just sit and read…and I have. It took a few weeks, but I am happy to report that I can once again curl up with a good book and enjoy myself. Not to say I don’t still love audio books! But especially as cancer left me wiped out, this rediscovered skill has been a blessing.

28. Encouragement Bombs

I have the most awesome friends and family in the world, pretty sure. I was overwhelmed in the best way at the outpouring of love and support surrounding my diagnosis and as I began cancer treatments, which I’ve said many times. But one of the most amazing things is what I’m calling “Encouragement Bombs.” My P&P ladies began sending me things to arrive on or around chemo infusion days–each thing signed “From your P&P sisters, via…” whomever popped it into the mail. Sometimes it’s boxes of goodies, sometimes it’s a beautiful card. Always, it just fills my heart with so much gratitude to see the pile of encouragement literally delivered to me on those hard weeks. And we’ve done it for other P&P members too, which is when I realized these “bombs” were very much planned and yet left up to the individual. I don’t know if there’s a real name for it, but I’m going to keep calling them this!

29. Meal Train

I am admittedly behind the times in some things. When my sister asked how she could help through my treatments, I said “food” was an easy one to delegate–I was already so tired by the time I was diagnosed that I rarely cooked. And my sister LOVES the whole meal-prep thing. She decided to organize a meal train…and soon learned there was an actual Meal Train, a site that would manage it all, including donations of gift cards and just straight-up donations. She got this set up for me, and oh my gracious. Most of my friends aren’t local, so the actual sign-ups for meals have been few, but you all have blessed my socks off with gift cards and monetary donations. Through this, my out-of-pocket medical costs are being covered, and we don’t have to stress about all the times we need to buy gas or food while we’re driving for treatments or scans or just too tired to cook. Big thanks to everyone who has used this to pitch in!! I think I’ve said, “People are so kind. They are just so…awesome” about a million times at this point.

30. Prayer Gardening

I am not a gardener. Full stop. But after my diagnosis, the amazing Cathy Gohlke reached out to encourage me (she had her own cancer journey several years ago), and she told me that she does “prayer gardening.” She will dedicate each plant to a person or a particular need and then, whenever she’s tending that plant, she prays for that specific intention. She went on to say she’d just planted a new rose, an Agatha Christie rose, and she had dedicated it to me.

Y’all…I love this SO MUCH. If ever I take up gardening, I want to do this! And the fact that she dedicated a rose (my favorite flower) to me which is named after an author? Yep. Gives me all the warm fuzzies! (She sent a photo when it bloomed, too!!)

31. Zero Sugar Honey

We love honey. Particularly when combined with peanut butter. But when you’re on a low-sugar diet…well, despite not being processed cane sugar, it’s still sugar. But happily, there are zero sugar alternatives out there! Did you know that?? We’ve tried both ChocZero and WholesomeYum brands, and our favorite is actually the orange flavor of WholesomeYum. So tasty!! (And it somehow still works with peanut butter. That kick of orange just adds a little unexpected something.) If you’re looking for a low-carb alternative but love that honey taste, these are actually a really great alternative! Texture and consistency is spot-on, and given the wide variation of flavors in natural honeys, these fit nicely in the family! (They’re made from a monk fruit and allulose blend, both of which are derived from plants so are all natural.)

32. Comfy deck chairs

David and I enjoy sitting on the deck in the evenings when the weather is fair…but we had metal decorative chairs, and you know what isn’t comfortable? Metal decorative chairs, LOL. They came with the house, what can I say? But we’d been talking for the last couple years about wanting more comfy options, and my MIL got us some for Christmas! Yay!!

33. Patrons & Peers Creative Retreat in OBX!

In October, the P&P ladies joined me for our second annual creative retreat…and this time we met up in one of my favorite places on earth–the Outer Banks of North Carolina! We rented a big ol’ beach house in Rodanthe and enjoyed a whole week of writing, sewing, reading, art-ing, relaxing, beaching, and chatting. It was SO MUCH FUN!! Of course, my family had to drive through flooded roads (sketchy!) to get there, but the water had receded by the time the others arrived. And then I discovered that I hadn’t rented linens, so there was a bit of panic, during which David said I was officially fired from the planning of these, not because I made mistakes but because I turned into a crazy person when I realized it, LOL. So another member appointed herself as planner of future retreats, and I most happily turned over the reins. Mostly, I just LOVE this time spent with some of the women who have become a daily part of my life and such dear friends and sisters!

34. Slack

WhiteFire joined Slack this year, and while at first I thought I didn’t want “one more thing”…in truth, it has been AWESOME to have a work space where we can all be for instant communication! The staff loved it so much that we started a group for our authors too, so we can also communicate directly with them there!

35. MidJourney

One of the BIGGEST boons to my year has to be MidJourney, an AI image generator. I absolutely love what I can create on this platform! I did character images, which was super fun…but I also use it in my design work. Instead of spending hours crafting an image with a dozen stock photos all meshed together to get that image that just doesn’t otherwise exist, I can now spend minutes crafting a prompt and editing the image that MidJourney creates. Of course AI is imperfect…but you know what? It’s a tool I’m loving because it helps me create better art faster in many cases!

36. Adoration

Adoration is one of those things that I’d never heard of before joining the Catholic church but which I now love. What is it? It’s when a blessed communion wafer is displayed (in something called a monstrance) at the front of the church, and you can just come in during the time and be there in the presence of Jesus, focusing your eyes on Him, on the gift He gave us to partake of Him. We’ve only been a couple times, but each was a real blessing. Our parish does Adoration the first Friday of each month, and last month, it was just such a sweet time of mediating on His love for us that I was sniffing back tears and basking in a new level of peace.

37. Popular Books

Given that most of my reading over the last two decades has been in the Christian realm, I only rarely know all the “big books” that people at large talk about. But this last year, I’ve been listening to a lot of audio books in the general market (because my library’s selection of Christian fiction audio books is slim pickings), and it’s been fun not only to read more broadly, but also to look at lists of the most borrowed books of the year nationwide and realize that I’ve read most of them! For an author, keeping one’s finger on the pulse of what’s resonating with readers all over the country is so helpful, especially since the Christian market tends to be about two years behind the mainstream market in trends. So I can incorporate aspects that are appealing, but of course put them in faith-filled stories.

Some of my favorite discoveries this last year have been Emily Henry (I’ve enjoyed all of them that I’ve read–which was most of her backlist, but Book Lovers remains my favorite), Colleen Hoover, and Fourth Wing and Iron Flame.

38. Morgantown

In my area, it’s just a fact that you have to drive to get to good healthcare, good shopping, airports…pretty much anything. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I knew I’d have to go out of town, and I debated on whether to go southeast toward Baltimore and D.C., or northwest toward Morgantown WV and Pittsburgh. Since I already see an endocrinologist in Morgantown, and because I didn’t feel like fighting with metro traffic regularly, we decided on Morgantown.

I’ll admit it. I haven’t been a Morgantown fan in general in the past. It’s the home of West Virginia University, which is big and crowded and not my cup of tea as colleges go; but the town is, of course, built around it. As we’re visiting regularly for my treatments and appointments, however, I’m coming to appreciate all we can find there–and especially the medical teams. I am so impressed by how cheerful and caring everyone has been! It’s so refreshing to be surrounded by knowledgeable, professional, caring staff. I’m so glad we made the choice we did!

39. Bookshelf Quilt!

In mid-July, I saw a post by an author friend showing a gorgeous quilt her friend had made her, made to look like a bookshelf with all her books on it. How cool is that? Well, little did I know that Deanna, one of the quilters in my P&P group, was already at work on one for me! And as it happens, she brought it to me as a surprise literally days after I saw that post and thought, “Wow, how amazing is that!” (Answer: SO AMAZING!)

Apparently as soon as I was diagnosed, Deanna and the other P&P ladies began scheming and decided it was something that must be created, so they decided how it should be. So not only do the books on the shelves have all my titles…but there are also books with the names of all my P&P members! I LOVE THAT SO MUCH! Not only do I get to snuggle up with the books I’ve written, but with the group of amazing ladies who have become such an integral part of my life.

(I tried to get Lilly to sit on the quilted cat for the photo, but she had no interest in helping me out. She snuggled up and napped on the shelves right away though, LOL.)

40. Wrapped Door

For Christmas, I randomly decided to wrap the pantry door in my kitchen. I chose a red paper with silver snowflakes on it, and I just loved it so much that I left it up, er…way too long, LOL. It was May before I finally thought, “Okay, fine, it’s time to take that off,” but I didn’t want to give up the fun of a design on my pantry door, so I ordered some printed canvas from Jo-Ann Fabric, and David and Rowyn helped me take the door off, wrap it, and rehang it.

41. Travel…or Not

It was supposed to be a spring and summer with lots of travel. I should have taught at conferences in Chicago in May and Oregon in June; I should have had a writing retreat coming up in September and a P&P retreat in October. I had been looking at vacations to book for June…right when I received my diagnosis. Not surprisingly, everything got cancelled and/or rescheduled. In general that was fine, because there’s only so much my brain can really handle right now, and taking pressure off was welcome. But I also missed the promise of visiting with friends, and of course a week at the beach–which is totally our happy place. Our beach vacations are where we unwind, relax, and dream. So given the lack of summer travel, I’ve booked us a vacation for December instead. We had to go really far south to get good beach weather that late in the year, of course, so we’ll be trying out the Florida Keys, in Marathon. I shall report later on how lovely it is in person, but the photos have TOTALLY given us all something to look forward to! (And happily, my oncologist gave me enthusiastic approval for traveling in September to my writing retreat with Stephanie, so I’ll get to do that too!)

42. I’m young!

With a daughter in college and a son determined to graduate high school a year early this coming year, I definitely don’t feel as young as I used to. But I’ve been stating my birthday an awful lot with all the medical stuff going on this year, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “You’re so young!” Now, granted, mostly that’s “You’re so young to be dealing with breast cancer!” But even so, it’s good to hear. 😉 It’s also nice to hear, as they ask about my family and I tell them how old my kids are, “Oh my goodness, you don’t look old enough to have kids that age! I thought you were thirty.” A lovely boost to the ego, LOL. So, of course, something to remind myself of as I welcome in a new year of life.

As tired as I’ve been this last half-year, young isn’t always how I’ve felt. Given the national average life expectancy, I’m firmly middle-aged. But you know what? I still have so much life to live, so much ahead of me, so many dreams to chase, so many stories to write, so many adventures to go on…and I am still young! Young enough to thoroughly enjoy the next chapters of my story, whatever they may be. And determined to always be young enough for that, whatever my age!

All in all, 41 is a year I’ll never forget, given that big diagnosis and all it’s meant. But for all the challenges and side-effects that came with it, this has also been a year of more blessings than I can count, of seeing the world and the Church family in a new way. I’m closing out 41 feeling so extraordinarily blessed and content and full of joyful expectation for what’s to come. Maybe this isn’t how I would have written my own story…but it’s how God is writing it, and I trust my Author wholeheartedly. I know he’ll lead me into 42 and will have new things to show me and teach me, and I can’t wait to see what they are!

What Is (Not) Vulnerability

by Roseanna | Aug 8, 2024 | Thoughtful Thursdays

Thank you for being vulnerable.

This is a phrase I hear frequently in response to my musings here…and especially since I embarked on my cancer journey. When I posted a couple weeks about Happy Endings and how there’s no shame in it being hard, I was inundated with comments, private messages, and emails, all expressing that same sentiment: thank you for being vulnerable.

But what does it mean to be vulnerable? And what does it not mean? That’s something David and I were talking about after the responses began rolling in.

See, I’ve always operated on the philosophy that, as a writer, if I’m not being vulnerable in both my fiction and my nonfiction musings here on my website, then it’s not worth it. Vulnerability is what allows for connection. Vulnerability is what invites you in. And only when hearts are stripped bare can they be moved. The stories–true or fictional–that have changed my life forever are the ones that pull me in deep, make me feel things I’ve never felt before or give voice to feelings I’ve never been able to express. They’re the ones that make me go, “YES, THAT!” or “Whoa, really? Wow, I’ve never seen it that way…”

When I’m writing novels, I certainly haven’t lived through most of the things I put my characters through–but I make myself feel it along with them. I dig down until it hurts, until I’ve fully planted myself in their situation. Their aches and fears and losses, their joys and victories and hopes all need to be mine, if I want them to them be yours. Sometimes that’s hard. Other times, that’s easy.

But it’s different here, where I’m writing my own reflections, my own life, my own lessons, my own pains and griefs and challenges. My own hopes and fears and wonders. Here, I can’t hide behind “Well, it’s only fiction” if someone doesn’t like what I have to say. And of course not everyone is going to like what I have to say…but at the same time, I never seek controversy. What do I seek?

Dialogue
Introspection
Self-awareness
Empathy
Resonance

As David and I were talking about this the other week, I said something about how I don’t want to be transparent about everything–I mean, no one needs to know how many times I ran to the bathroom after a particular round of chemo, right? But he replied with something that really struck me. “Transparency is not the same thing as vulnerability.”

I believe my response was something along the lines of, “Interesting. Say more.”

We were in the car at the time, so he drew my attention to a particular yard we drive past on this particular drive that makes me cringe every time I look at it. Because this yard is FULL of political posters. Very large signs proclaiming this person’s preferred candidate, with some not-so-savory ones against his not-preferred candidate as well. David said, “That guy’s yard, all those signs–that’s transparent. You know exactly how he feels about politics. Would you call it vulnerable?”

I didn’t even have to hesitate. “No. I’d call it aggressive.”

And vulnerability and aggression do not mix. Which is why this thought was so striking.

We live in an age of outrage, where people, both on social media and then now even in person, are very vocal about their opinions. But those opinions are rarely presented with vulnerability. They’re transparent…but aggressive. They’re presented in a way that says, “Disagree with me, I dare you.” Or perhaps, “If you have any intelligence, you’ll agree.”

Very open…very out-there…very transparent.

But not vulnerable.

What, then, makes something vulnerable? What is it that vulnerability does differently? I think, for one thing, that where transparency presents strength, vulnerability is also honest about weakness. Where transparency shares one’s stance on something, vulnerability also shows one’s struggles with something. Where transparency puts your feelings out there, vulnerability invites everyone in.

There’s nothing inviting about those aggressive statements of opinion, is there? I can say in all honesty that when I see a business proclaiming their political leanings–whichever leaning that is–it makes me not want to do business there. Because I’m not interested in having someone else’s opinions foisted on me, even if I agree with them. That’s not an invitation–it’s a shout. I want to be invited into conversations. I want to have real dialogue on what matters. I want to know that what we say to each other will be thoughtfully considered, not used to label or brand.

This is what vulnerability seeks to do. Not to say “This is what I think” as a statement of fact…but to say “This is what I’ve been thinking about” as a message of ongoing consideration. Not to say “This is what I know” but rather “This is what I’m learning.” Vulnerability isn’t about the simple, but about the process of working through complexities. It’s about letting other people into that process.

I am keenly aware as I post updates about my health that I want to be honest and open, but not just any kind of honest and open. I want to be the kind that resonates with whatever you are going through. Whether it’s cancer or a chronic illness or an emotional struggle or watching a loved one go through something, whether it’s something you’ve already been through or are walking through now or will deal with in the future. I don’t just want you to watch my journey and feel sorry for me. I want to invite you to walk it with me. That means knowing the struggles, yes, but in a way that gives voice to your own. I want you to laugh with me so that you remember to laugh when it’s you. I want you to cry with me so that you know it’s okay to cry when it hurts. I want you to see the hope in my journey so that you recognize it in your own. And I want you to know that when you reply and share your own struggles, that is the most precious gift you could give.

I’ve long operated on that philosophy of “Words are only worthwhile when they’re vulnerable.” It’s true for me now more than ever. And the beautiful thing? When I share my heart and hear that it touched yours, when people reach out every week to say that my way of handling this is inspiring and encouraging, it’s fuel to keep walking worthy of the call of Christ. To keep being vulnerable. To keep inviting people in.

Because when you do, you find that the whole journey changes. It becomes a lot less contentious, less stressful, less worthy-of-complaint…and a whole lot more edifying. And I don’t know about you, but that’s the only kind of journey I’m interested in. How blessed we are, then, that we can choose to make any journey THAT kind of journey. All it takes is knowing what kind of “open” we need to be.

My Heartkeeper

by Roseanna | Aug 1, 2024 | Thoughtful Thursdays

A few weeks ago, I was reading a guided meditation by Mother Theresa called I THIRST–all about how what Jesus is thirsting for on the cross is YOU, and a deeper relationship with you. The idea of the meditation is to read it (or listen to it) as if Jesus is sitting in the room with you. Imagine His voice. Imagine the look on His face as He talks to you about how precious you are to Him. It begins with Him standing at the door of your heart, knocking. A familiar image, right? I bet we’ve all seen a painting of the scene.

What keeps us from opening the doors of our hearts fully and not just letting Him into the entryway, but all the way into the crevices of our hearts?

As I pondered the question, imagining Jesus sitting in the pew in front of me, turned around to look at me, I thought about what keeps me from letting people deep into my house. Because let’s face it–many of us have those places guests aren’t welcome, right? The door we keep closed, because it’s where we’ve shoved the mess, or the part we never bother cleaning up, or the basement storage that just isn’t fit for view. I readily admit I’m not a great housekeeper, so when you come to my house, you’re not going to see my master bedroom with the desk piled high with all the things waiting to be filed, or the master bathroom with all the laundry I haven’t gotten around to folding and putting away.

I’m not proud of the mess, but it piles up more quickly than I can find the time to deal with it. So what would I need to let people that deeply in? I mentally smirked and answered: A housekeeper.

And I imagined Jesus smirking right back. I imagined Him joking with me. “You want me to be your spiritual housekeeper?”

It seems a little insulting for the King of kings, I know, so I quickly said, “Well, no…actually, kinda. I do want you to be my heartkeeper.”

It’s funny to think of. I mean, we all know that He doesn’t expect us to get “cleaned up” before we let Him in. We know that He’s the one that does the cleaning. And not just a top-level shine, not if we truly let Him work. He cleans out the cabinets and organizes the drawers. He throws out all the expired stuff in the pantry. He wades through the mess on the floor of the closet and helps us sort out what clothes deserve hanger space and what should just be gotten rid of. He’ll even remember to vacuum under furniture and dust those top shelves we can never reach. Why? Because He loves us, and He wants to know every part of us.

He wants every part of us to become Him. To be so permeated by His spirit that there’s nothing left we cling to as ours. We only cling to Him, because we are His.

Then…then a beautiful thing happens. As the Spirit works in this spiffy space Jesus has made, things start to grow. Our house turns into an estate with gardens, with vineyards, with fields. Trees bud and bloom and grow fruit. Fruit of love, of joy, of peace. Fruit of patience and kindness and goodness, of faithfulness and gentleness and self-control.

But that fruit…it isn’t for us. That’s something I mused about back in 2020 in a post I still love. Fruit is not for the sustenance of the tree. Fruit is not for the sake of the plant that bears it. Fruit is for others. Fruit is meant to be a tempting morsel for animals to enjoy so that they then spread the seeds.

It’s no accident that Paul likens our spiritual growth to fruit. We’re not meant to grow just for our own sakes. We’re meant to grow so that others want a taste. So that the seeds of eternal life are scattered, so that they can take root, so that they can grow in others.

We have to let Jesus into those shadows of our heart so that His work can dig down deep, so that we can then produce fruit to nourish the souls of others, so that they want to invite Him in too.

Because Jesus thirsts for me…and He also thirsts for YOU. He thirsts for THEM. He thirsts for all of us. There isn’t a soul ever to be born on this planet that our good Father doesn’t love so much, that Jesus doesn’t yearn to know. Fully. Completely. Inside and out. Every crack and crevice.

I think for many of us, it isn’t that we intentionally say, “This far and no farther, Lord.” I think for most of us, we’re just lazy. “This far” seems good enough, because opening that other door will take time we don’t have. We forget. We get so caught up in our exterior lives that we don’t have the energy for the internal.

But you know what, friends? He’s standing right beside us. He’s sitting right there, watching. He’s smiling, and He’s patient, and He isn’t going anywhere. Because when you’re thirsty, really thirsty, you don’t just take a sip of water and then walk away from the glass, do you? You keep it in your hand and your drink until you’ve had your fill.

He’s never going to have His fill of us. So He’ll keep us always in His hand. And our hearts…He’ll keep those too, and make them not into a showcase, but into a working, living, breathing, growing, bountiful estate. An estate with its gates flung wide. And estate producing fruit.

Do you hear Him knocking today?

The Fruit of the Spirit image above was created by AI to be based on the colorful style of Leonid Afremov; I then added the written fruits and tucked them into the paint daubs. We now have it printed on canvas and displayed in our bedroom, beside an actual Leonid Afremov painting.

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Happy Endings

by Roseanna | Jul 25, 2024 | Thoughtful Thursdays

It isn’t that I was having a particularly bad day. I wasn’t throwing up–like I’d done the last two Fridays and Saturdays. I wasn’t as tired as I’d been the day before, when I’d had to take two different naps. There was no pain to address. I just felt generally icky. And generally tired.

When my mom and my best friend asked how I was feeling, I could report on that, and they both responded with something along the lines of, “Oh good! Glad it’s not so bad today.”

Here’s the thing, though. It didn’t feel good. I could recognize that it was better than some other days, but I was tired, and I was tired of being tired and feeling sick. I just wanted a day where I picked what I would eat based on what I wanted rather than what wouldn’t make me feel even worse. I wanted to want to sit at my desk and work, and I didn’t. I knew I had nothing concrete to complain about…but the constantness of feeling bad weighed heavily that day, and as David and I went to bed that night, we talked a little about it.

And we talked about happy endings. Maybe this is going to sound strange, LOL, but bear with me.

A friend sent me a book called 50 Days of Hope: Daily Inspiration for Your Journey through Cancer by Lynn Eib. This is a truly beautiful little book that I absolutely love. In it, Lynn tells about her own cancer diagnosis when she was only 36, and how she kept running into people who wanted to tell her all about other people with cancer…many of whom died. She learned to interrupt them and ask, “Does this story have a happy ending? Because if not, I don’t want to hear it.”

I love that–it made me grin when I read it. It’s something I’ve observed a lot in the Type 1 Diabetes community as well, that as soon as a child is diagnosed, people want to tell stories about this or that person they knew who died of complications…and that is SO NOT HELPFUL. When you hear a teen gets their license, the first thing you say shouldn’t be, “So-and-so was killed in an accident on their very first solo drive,” right? That’s not helpful. Obviously bad things happen to people, but those don’t need to be the stories we dwell on constantly. Let’s instead tell stories of people being victorious, of people being successful, of people defying the odds, doing great things, finding healing.

And yet…I’ve noticed something else as the reality of cancer treatments stretches out day after day.

Sometimes, happy endings feel pretty mocking…when you’re in the midst of the rocky middle.

I’ve heard countless stories during this time, all meant to be encouraging, of people who “weren’t sick a day of treatment” or who “didn’t miss a day of work.” Now, at the outset, before I’d gotten started, I loved these stories. These were the happy endings I wanted to hear about! This was the hope I wanted to cling to!

But…

But my reality looks different, which I discovered as I went. I am sick. I am tired. If I had a traditional job, I’d be missing some days, or at least some hours. Maybe “many people never even get sick,” but I’m one of the ones who has, and after hanging over the toilet, those stories of other people who didn’t aren’t so encouraging anymore.

Here’s the funny thing, though. It isn’t that they’re discouraging or that I feel jealous of their experience. It’s that I feel a strange sort of shame, like I’m not doing it right. Now, I know intellectually this is silly. But it’s a real thing we experience sometimes, isn’t it? We feel as though we ought to have been able to do something to make it that way instead of this way. We feel like if they could do it without missing a day of work, then we ought to have been able to manage it too, and we’re somehow falling short. We’re a disappointment. We’re a failure. We feel as though we ought to have chosen something different, when the fact is that we don’t always get to choose.

We feel as though people are judging us as weak. Even though we know they (probably) aren’t, the thought is still there. I’m not “doing cancer” as well as she did. I’m not as tough. I’m not as strong. I’m not as able.

In those moments, other people’s stories, other people’s happy endings aren’t necessarily what we need to hear.

There is a happy ending on the horizon–I 100% believe that. But right now? Right now, I’m not in that part of the book. We’re still in the middle of the story, and sometimes I love just looking at it like a writer. Because then I can see that my inciting incident has to lead to some twists and turns. It has to include dark moments and wrestling with lies. It has to feel sometimes like “all is lost.” It has to, because those are the elements of a good story…and good stories borrow their elements from real life.

It has to have those negative things, because life does. And because the beautiful moments, the wins, the victories, the climaxes are only amazing because of the dark places.

Lynn Eib mused in her wonderful little book that she’d never met anyone who took their diagnosis totally in stride and didn’t experience fear or denial or get upset, at least a little. Well, I can honestly say that my diagnosis had none of those things. Because, I said, I’m a novelist. I’d already explored all the different plot options. I’d played them all out like a story in my mind, so when I got the news, I seriously thought, “Okay, Lord. This is the story you’re writing for me then. Okay. Let’s do it.”

And it still feels that way. I’m not afraid or depressed or defeated. But you know what…that doesn’t mean I get to skip to the happy ending, either. I’m still in the midst of it, and the midst involves some not-pleasant parts. I would have loved to be one of “those people” who bypassed some of these side-effects, but I’m not. There’s no shame in that, no weakness, no regret. Right now, I’m living through the rocky middle. It isn’t fun, and I don’t like doing it.

But I know it’s what leads me to the place I want to end up. I know that my role through it is to live it well and live it with God and live it with hope. My role is to know that even when it isn’t easy, there’s no shame in it being hard.

It’s so easy to compare our stories to other peoples’, both those who have it worse and those who have it better. But their story isn’t ours. Today, for that matter, is neither yesterday nor tomorrow. We only have our own stories, and we only have now. So let’s live them in the way God gives them to us. Knowing that tomorrow the page will turn, and even though we may not be able to anticipate how or when or where…God is still leading us toward that happy ending of each ordeal. All we have to do is walk it out.

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