Thank you all so much for praying for me as I went into surgery last Friday, and for continuing to pray for my recuperation! I appreciate it so much!

So last Friday, October 11, I had my double mastectomy. The “double” part was my choice, made because it decreases my chances of going through breast cancer again by 90%. I liked those numbers! Because of my size and the size of the tumor, a single mastectomy was necessary–a lumpectomy wouldn’t have left me with enough material for reshaping. I also needed to have all the lymph nodes in my right armpit removed, because they were still showing up as abnormal in the last MRI. Having the lymph nodes all removed puts me at a risk of lymphedema, swelling of the arm and hand, so I would definitely appreciate prayers that I can avoid that. I have exercises to do to help prevent it, and will be wearing compression sleeves to help with it as well.

The surgery went really well! Not that I got the update from the surgeon, LOL, but she reported to my family that everything was textbook or better. She was able to use a blue dye that tracks the drainage channels in my arm so that she could avoid them, which should help with that lymphedema concern. We all agree that we just love Dr. Bailey and always feel better about things after talking to her. She came in to see me before surgery and said, “I know you’re not looking forward to this, but look at it this way. After today, we know you’re cancer free. That makes today a great day.” And she is so right about that!

I only stayed one night in the hospital, which was fine by me. 😉 I did have a bit of swelling on my right side the morning after surgery, so they wrapped me up tight in an ace bandage and told me I wasn’t allowed to take it off until my follow-up appointment at the one-week mark. I absolutely understand that…but I’m looking forward to getting a break from it. I feel a bit like a mummy. 😉

As I’m sitting here several days post-surgery, I can report that I’m certainly nowhere near normal–my range of motion is hugely decreased, so there’s a lot I can’t do while incisions heal.  But the pain of the first day has faded into discomfort and aching, which is a big improvement. I’m able to sit at my desk and in fact find that it’s really comfortable to have my arms braced at that height. Convenient, since I just had digital galleys arrive for The Collector of Burned Books. Reading through it doesn’t tax me much but still makes me feel useful, so that’s nice. =)

My sister brought over a TON of food, and my mom and grandmother added to it, so we’re well stocked, for sure! Definitely a blessing, because I can’t even reach the microwave on my own, much less cook anything, LOL. Today I have an appointment with physical therapy, and tomorrow a follow-up with my surgeon at which I will hopefully get the drains removed and be cleared for things like showering. They expect to have pathology reports early next week, so I also have an oncology appointment on Monday to discuss treatment from here out. (UPDATE: Pathology reports came in, and I am CANCER FREE!! No cancer in any tissue or lymph nodes removed! Praise God!)

Again, thank you all so much for your support and encouragement and prayers! I don’t know where I’d be without it, but it means the world to me.

Original post published May 19, 2022

“Peace I leave with you,
my peace I give to you.
Not as the world gives
do I give it to you.
Do not let your hearts be troubled;
be not afraid.

~ John 14:27

What is peace? Jesus promises to leave us with it–not just any peace, but His peace. It’s something we all know we need. Something we crave. Something we spend money searching for and trying to grab hold of. Something we tout.

But do we really understand it? Like, really understand it?

What is peace? Is it the absence of strife? Of conflict? Of war? It is “the state of tranquility or quiet” like the dictionary says? Or “a state of security within a community”? Is it just “freedom from disquieting thoughts” or “harmony in personal relations”?

Maybe peace is, in a way, all of those things. But that is peace as the world knows it–as the world gives it.

The peace of Christ is something different. It’s something more…but also something more fundamental. Whole books can be and have been written on the subject, and it’s one I’ve really wanted to lean into from the biblical perspective. I’ve read about it. I’ve talked about it. I’ve studied it. Not enough, but enough to get started thinking it through in words here (no doubt I’ll have more on the subject later!).

A few weeks ago, my husband was speaking with a board of directors. He’d been nominated to be the new president of this board for a non-profit, and one of the others asked him, “Do you feel peace about this?”

Now, my husband is a man of deep and thoughtful faith, but he’s also a man who has taken great pains to separate his faith from mere feeling or emotion. So this phrase–do you feel peace–has long grated on him. He will say that never once in his life did he “feel peace” about a decision before it was made–though he frequently feels it after it is made. To some, this seems like a lack of faith.

But it isn’t. It is, in fact, a very true and primal kind of faith: the kind that says, “I will trust you, Lord. I will trust who you made me to be. I will trust that when I’m chasing after You, even if I make a mistake, you will redeem it. I trust that even if my fallibility, I can’t possibly undo your will…even if I’m not 100% sure what that is.”

Because how often are we really 100% sure? More, how often are we supposed to be? A couple years ago a friend sent me a book called Searching for and Maintaining Peace. She sent it “just because,” but it arrived while we were in the hospital with my son, when he was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. It took me a while to get around to reading it, but it became one of those books where I had to underline and highlight insights all over the place.

One of the things the author pointed out which really resonated with me was that true faith, true peace isn’t about always hearing God perfectly. It’s about knowing that, even when we don’t, He is still there at work. That part of this journey of faith is training ourselves in His ways enough that, even when He’s silent, we can still act. We can still choose good things. Just like as kids grow up they have to learn to make decisions without parental input, so do Christians have to learn to live, making day-to-day decisions whether they’re absolutely certain about the “rightness” or not. God is there, He’s watching, He’s comforting…but He’s also saying, “Go ahead, beloved. Step out. I’m right here if you falter.”

That is true peace. Not a lack of conflict. Not security from your community. Not harmony with others. True peace, the peace given by Christ, is trust. True peace, the kind our Lord and Savior gives us, is knowing that we cannot possibly outpace His love. We cannot fall so far that He isn’t there to catch us. We cannot undo His will. True peace is knowing that even when circumstances are terrible and our world is crumbling around us, nothing can take away the most precious thing in the world: our salvation. True peace is knowing that the only identity we really need is Child of God.

When we can really claim that, when our prayers and contemplation are not about what we need or want or hope to do, but in who we are in Christ, then we’ll also be able to claim exactly what Jesus instructs. Our hearts will not be troubled. We will not be afraid.

Are you troubled? Afraid? We’ve all been there, or are there right now, or will be in the future. But the more we focus on the truth that we’re not defined by our jobs or our place of residence, by our marriages or our children or our families, by what we’ve accomplished or where we’ve failed, the more we’ll find that fearless peace.

Because we are God’s. And He is our master. And Christ has left us with something the world does not give and the world cannot take away. He has given us a gift of peace that stills our hearts and girds our minds with courage.

Be not afraid. Be not troubled. You belong to the Lord.